Mama, Don’t Be Mad!

It goes without saying that I love my daughter more than anything in the world.  What I find harder to say, explain or describe is what it’s like living with a 2 ½ year old.

I try to be extremely patient.  I have read Positive Discipline and understand that a 2 ½ year old simply isn’t capable of behaving herself in the way that we expect of older children.  I know I am supposed to be “firm yet gentle,” to remain calm and not let myself get mad.

But even though I am the adult, I am also human.  I have my buttons and boy, do they get pushed sometimes—most often when I’m trying to get us out the door in the morning on the way to work/day care.

Here is my exchange with N this morning (as best I can recall).  I was scrambling, as usual, while N was doing everything except get ready to leave the house.

Me:  N, let’s get dressed and brush your teeth.

N:  Mama, you want to play blocks with me?

Me (a working mama feeling guilty): Yes, of course I want to play blocks with you.  Let’s play for a few minutes, then clean up and get ready to go.

[We build a tower of blocks and knock it down.]

Me: Okay N, time to get dressed.

[N takes off, running into our bedroom at top speed and hides in the closet.]

Me (usually I play along, but this morning I was in no mood for hide-and-seek): N, come out now or I’m going to get you out.

[N runs past me, back into her room.  Somehow we both wind up in the bathroom, as did the blocks.]

Me (still trying to be patient): N, please pick up the blocks and put them back in your room.

[N runs off again.]

Me (getting annoyed): N, come pick up these blocks, please.

[Several more minutes of hide, seek and chase.  I am now Officially Upset.]

Me (voice raised):  N, Mama is upset that you aren’t listening to me.  Come pick up the blocks right now.

[N does not come pick up the blocks.]

Me (in my best Mama-is-giving-you-one-last-warning-tone): N, if you don’t come pick up the blocks right now, I’m going to come get you.

N:   Mama, DON’T BE MAD!!

Me (now yelling):  Then LISTEN to me and pick up the blocks!!

[N opens her mouth and lets out a full-blown wail.  Her dramatic fits go from 0 to 60 in an instant.]

Me (hugging N): It’s okay, let’s both calm down and we’ll pick up the blocks together.

N:  Mama, you want to play blocks?

Sigh!

I get most upset when N doesn’t listen to me.  Sometimes I don’t know where to draw the line—am I getting upset too soon/often?  Should I be more patient?  Or am I not putting my foot down enough?  Is she intentionally flouting my authority because I am too strict, or because I am not strict enough?  Should I handle the whole situation differently?  Or is this just a normal tug-of-war with a preschooler?

It doesn’t help that I had one extremely strict parent growing up, whose authoritarian style I do not wish to emulate.

Perhaps the best advice I get is not from a book but from N when she says, “Mama, don’t be mad!”  Sometimes she puts her finger on my furrowed, angry brow and tries to smooth it out.  Other times she says in a singsong lilt, “Mamaaa, dooon’t beee maaad, beee haaappyy!” and gives me her best cheesy grin.  I can’t be upset or angry after that.

Oh, and she’s starting to use my tactics against me.  Today she was calling for me to come play with her.  I responded, “Mama’s doing the dishes, honey.”  The next thing I knew she was in the kitchen, hands on her hips, looking at me with a mad face.  “If you don’t come, I will come get you!!” she warned.  It was all I could do not to laugh and let myself be carried off to play.

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