Hi Honey, I’m Home!! What the…??

When I’m drinking a glass of wine at home on a Friday night, I sometimes like to read old anti-feminist texts from the 1940s, 50s and 60s. While I don’t consider myself a “feminist,” I do get a kick out of reading some pretty amazing — and frightening — old passages about “the woman’s role” in the family and in society. I can’t believe the ideas were contemporary for my Granny, and even for my mom.

Life can be wonderful

Here’s a gem: one well-known book in its day, Modern Woman: The Lost Sex, published in 1947, “attempted to explore the causes of…women’s confusion and despair…which [the authors] identified as women’s rejection of their essentially domestic role, and their desire to compete with man in the public arenas of business and politics.” Also, the book “denounced feminists for being aggressive, maladjusted and unable to accept women’s fundamental role as wife and mother.” Yikes! Maybe the authors should have joined in a glass of wine to take the edge off.

One of my particular favorites, The Fascinating Womanhood — which I discovered in 8th grade and read cover to cover — was published in 1963, the same year as Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique. However, The Fascinating Womanhood couldn’t have had a more divergent view of what it meant to be a woman. My enduring memory of this book is its recommendation that a woman adopt certain personality traits in order to keep her man interested and happy. She should strive to be cute and childlike and express admiration for him, similar to a literary protagonist named Dora; but at other times she should embody the mature, angelic nature of another character named Agnes. Basically, the book instructs women to transform themselves into fictional representations — and not even of themselves, but of these “ideal” women.

retro-housewife

What hogwash! (Unfortunately, no one told me that it was hogwash when I was 13 years old and seeking out tips on how to attract the opposite sex. Let’s just say that time and life disabused me of whatever notions I took away from this book, which remains in print today and claims to have sold over two million copies.)

I find it amusing to read passages from these old books — until I remember that real women lived  these lives not so long ago, trapped unhappily in a limited world with very few choices for personal fulfillment.

It’s incredible to juxtapose these passages with those from The Feminine Mystique. Tonight, re-reading Anna Quindlen’s introduction of the book, I paused when I came to: “Friedan described a generation of educated housewives maniacally arranging the silverware and dressing to welcome their husbands home from work.”

Now, I have never maniacally arranged silverware in my life. And I definitely do not dress up to welcome my husband home from work, a point which couldn’t have been clearer on Friday evening.

After working my part-time day (9-2), then picking up the girls and managing our afternoon/evening at home, I was eagerly awaiting G’s return home from work. Fridays are typically the toughest day of the week, as N has hit her stress-tolerance level and she’s tired to boot. This particular Friday night was worse than usual — defiance, talking back, and a near-hysterical tantrum to top it all off. (Another blog post for another night!!)

So by the time G walked through the door, he barely had time to take off his coat or say hello before I was agitatedly asking him (in a very un-Dora and un-Agnes-like way), “Can you put S to bed?”

Let’s just say that the reaction from Dad wasn’t very “Leave It to Beaver.” He didn’t respond well to my less-than-effusive greeting, but he did take S upstairs to bed.

Later we agreed that we’re both tense at the end of the day, and especially at the end of the week. Our brains are fried and our reactions are not exactly calculated for the other person’s comfort. Our interactions are real and honest. At the end of the conversation, we agreed to cut each other some slack at that moment in the day, not expect any grand gestures and just allow the other person to be tired and cranky, if that’s how they feel.

Tonight when I re-read all these texts from previous generations, I was so very glad that my husband and I have the open, honest and equitable relationship that we do, as do many couples of our generation. It doesn’t mean that we never have marital problems or that we always agree — but at least we can talk to each other in a way that leaves us both feeling like the other person heard what we were saying, and that we have each other’s mutual respect.

And maybe that’s a big part of what the whole feminist thing was about.

Good job, ladies.

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About A Mom In Brooklyn

A mom in Brooklyn
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6 Responses to Hi Honey, I’m Home!! What the…??

  1. Anonymous says:

    I love your honesty! It’s awful to think we must take on other personalities in the midst o juggling everything else to try to keep our husbands happy. Just crazy! Today was crazy stressful at our house. Deadlines to meet and a little one to tend to. John and i snapped at each other today and its ok. We calmed down and later talked about it. That’s all it takes. I fell in love with my husband for who he is, not who he could pretend to be and I know he feels the same about me. I think I would lose my mind if I always had to pretend to be someone else!

    • Agreed!! It’s my feeling that the only way to have a true relationship is to be honest with each other (at least about the important stuff!). When G and I were newlyweds, I think we both put on a “show” at times, or we kept things to ourselves because we were afraid of hurting each other. Later we realized that it was much better to be honest, and we made a promise to be truthful to one another, even if we were afraid it would make the other person mad. And then we talk things through. MUCH better than the way things used to be — for us as a couple, and for women in general!

  2. G says:

    You may not “consider yourself” a feminist, but if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck….

    • I’m 100% for women’s rights, if that’s what you mean. But somewhere along the way, “feminist” became a dirty word, like “liberal.” I don’t really identify with either of those labels.

      I also don’t identify with those who argue that there are no biological differences between women and men — there definitely are natural differences between the sexes from birth. It ought to be okay for us to admit that. And I don’t agree with “feminists” who pressure women to continue working full-time after they have a family. Wasn’t feminism all about giving women choices — not making the choice for them??

      Anyway, the only labels I am comfortable with are “mom” and “your wife.” 😉

  3. Rachael says:

    I have started watching Madmen and I am not sure how much longer I can watch it. I hope they are exaggerating the treatment of women in the 60s but a part of me knows better. I grew up always feeling down about being born a female. What was the point of my existence if my purpose was just to make a man happy and procreate-there were already plenty of women out there doing that. I certainly didn’t feel special. Sadly, it took me until my mid-twenties to come to the realization that I have just as much innate value as anyone else-man or woman.

    • I think you’re right, it was that bad. And it wasn’t that long ago! Our moms and grandmas lived through it and experienced it — which means that people of both sexes in that generation had certain beliefs about women that probably seeped down to us more than we realize. One generation is not such a long time. Good for you for being self-aware enough to change the pattern for the next generation. oxoxo!

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